Im feeling jealous, angry & sad all at e same time. I know you needed something to take your mind off things between us but I just cant get over e fact that you went out on our monthsary & had fun while i was alone at home nursing my pain. I think this is e first time we didnt celebrate our monthsary together. But its been done. What more can i say? It just feels so fucked up! Im not trying to make you feel guilty when you read this. I just need a channel to express my feelings so that i wont end up vomiting blood because of bottling up my feelings. I’ve got no one to talk to about my feelings & problems other than you. And i dont think its appropriate to share my feelings w you when e problem is about us. I dont know who else to turn to. No one understands me.
I still screwed up despite everything. FML!
I know that there’s a high chance that you would read this. Just so you know, i still get butterflies in my tummy when i see you. I miss you & I love you oh so very much. But i dont know how to feel anymore. I would love to believe that you had your reasons for doing whatever you are doing. And i know that i can never fully understand your feelings & actions. But it breaks my heart so greatly that you didnt even visit me after my accident. Not even once. Not even on our monthsary. Thinking & secretly hoping that you’d visit me after wishing me e night before.
My wounds hurt. My bruises hurts. This hurts. But what hurts e most is that you are not around to make it better. To make it all go away. Emotionally & physically.
I dont know how to do this anymore. Just when i thought things will slowly get better, Its not. Ever since you left, its one thing after another. I dont know if im overreacting but it sure feels like things are not getting any better. How I wish you were here to make things go away. How i wish you were healthy & strong like how you have been 3 years ago. How i wish you hadnt left. I need you right now, Mak. I need you so badly. My life is so messed up right now. My mind is even more messed up. I keep crying. I keep thinking of you. Everytime i close my eyes, i kept seeing how you suffered before you left. I wished you had last words to say to me before you went away. To tell me how much you love me, how i should take care of my life, how things will be ok when you’re gone. Basically, i just want you to say anything to me. Anything at all. As long as its for me. I know that
not e greatest child & i still am not now but Mak please guide me through this like how you’ve always did. Truth to be told, i still have no courage to visit you just yet. I still cant accept e fact that you are gone. Even till now, i still feel that you are still around. Like you never left.
But you left. Left me. I have many regrets when it comes to you but i know its too late. None of this would have happened if i still have you. I miss you, Mak. I miss you so much.